“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
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God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
A flock of dads is called a grill.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace