5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title