My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.