I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
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So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen