I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
You Might Also Like
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.