I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Monday Lisa
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?