Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
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My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.