“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
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I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Breaking news:
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.