Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
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Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish