it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
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*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Potatoes were such a good idea
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel