April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I am also baked goods
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.