[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
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My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Perfect.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Phonetics