Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
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Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
S O O N
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Catercrombie & Fish
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Received some very disappointing news today
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.