“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
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Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
that moment when your spouse asks if you鈥檙e listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My 6yr old says she鈥檚 going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it鈥檚 7:05.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That鈥檚 pr–*thump*
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we鈥檙e watching Pet Cemetery.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Absolute genius if you ask me 馃憣馃ぃ
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband鈥檚 toenails on the ground when I wake up
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Coworker: I didn鈥檛 know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.