I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one