If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
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Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
*praying for world peace*
God:
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Cat.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy