Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.