I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
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I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
A man of commitment.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Me checking my bank balance online.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.