A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.