If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
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“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.