Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
You Might Also Like
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*