If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
You Might Also Like
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Ummm
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.