the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
You Might Also Like
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Good point.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one