How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
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Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Chemical wingman
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Bond. Trauma bond.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.