Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
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God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?