The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.