[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
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The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.