I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult