[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let鈥檚 just play and I鈥檒l explain as we go.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Bruh PLEASE
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 馃槼
Bluetick 1: I know 馃槀 that鈥檚 just Twitter though isn鈥檛 it 馃檮
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love鉂わ笍
Bluetick 1: 鉂わ笍
They say don鈥檛 eat when you鈥檙e bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I鈥檓 good.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
This is painfully accurate 馃槄
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Doctor: for the last time, you don鈥檛 have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i鈥檓 consistent
boss: but you鈥檙e late every morning
me: ya
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me