I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.