We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
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Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Need WebMD
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.