Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
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[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Room with a view.