*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
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the prophecies have been fulfilled
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
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CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
me irl
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.