I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Boating season is upon us.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.