Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
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the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer