It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
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Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
We’ve all been there…
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter