how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
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when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.