[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
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she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet