4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
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“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon