I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
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I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.