The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Finally!
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house