The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
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“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good