14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
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Yup
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
A classic…
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
🙁
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?