Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Science memes
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.