Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?