If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
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If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
screw you
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I am HOWLING at this
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70