What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
You Might Also Like
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
i want to work in this restaurant
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier