Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
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Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out