i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.