*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
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[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.